Stories Of A Girl

Cringing at the Past

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 23:36:40 -0500

Looking back at some of my old posts after a year makes me smile, and want to punch myself in the tit. I am so glad I made a note of all the stupid things I was worried about, or in love with, so I could go “Oh yea! Don’t do that again, ever” or “Wow I am so glad I was able to capture that moment forever”. Now, in the 2012th year on the 11th day of the 11th month, I CC can proudly say that I have moved on to bigger and better things. I have a new job, which I adore, a really awesome new friend, who is always there for me, and possibly a new “like interest”, but of course being me it is someone who is sort of off limits. Don’t go judging me too quickly though. He is not off limits for the same reason the other guy was. This guy is plenty single and very attractive (I have stepped it up if I do say so myself), the only dilemma is #@’$ ^% &@$$. I had to put that last part in code just to keep who ever may be reading this in the future guessing. Oh yea, I also know how to keep some secrets to myself now too. :P

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Fri, 03 Aug 2012 12:16:16 -0400

Relationships Are Like Tissues

Wed, 30 May 2012 21:02:22 -0400

It is unrealistic to think that I have any sort of superior capabilities. It would be awesome though, if I were able to at least remain normal for some substantial amount of time. It would be even more awesome if my normalcy did not depend on my dependence of other people. I consider myself to be quite an independent person, but it has come to my knowledge that I am becoming more and more trusting and reliable on others. That previous statement may be completely false in some peoples’ eyes, but it remains the truth. It is a very gradual change, and it took much time for even myself to notice. I hate admitting to myself that I need people. I feel if a person does not show immediate and constant need for me than I don’t need them. I need some sort of balance so there are benefits on both sides. There can not be any unecessary pieces in the relationship. I do not want to be using the person unessacarily and I don not want them to be using me.

Merely Stating An Unfourtunate Fact

Tue, 15 May 2012 18:46:16 -0400

I lose the need of a relationship once I feel like I have acquired the necessary lessons or traits from that person. If I have a constant need for a relationship than that person either has more to contribute to the relationship or I actually want to talk to them on a daily basis and associate myself with them. I don’t have anyone that I feel that way about and that fact is really sad.

Change Is Good, Recurring Similarities In Changes Are Excruciating

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 20:08:23 -0400

Every Fucking Time

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:41:02 -0400

I am so incapable of having quality relationships with people, it is ridiculous. I used to be able to be me and feel like I was totally fine and dandy with people. All of a sudden, when a stupid yet significant being reenters into my life, I get stupid! I get irrational butterflies in my stomach when they are around. My coherent and sophisticated communication skills get thrown out the window. I act like a silly little girl. I hate that this happens to me because of a boy. Even if this boy may be super sweet and incredibly charming, he shouldn’t have this great of an effect on me. Granted, I may have overlooked these desirable characteristics when I was vying for an asshole who was preoccupied with himself, and once and a while his significant other, but I am well aware of them now. Gosh Darn! Every fucking time I think that I know what I am doing I just lose sense of direction. I need to find someone or something that will help me always stand my ground and make sure I am pointed in the right direction.

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Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:31:16 -0400

what do you miss most about the past?

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 10:18:16 -0400

I don’t miss anything about the past. The past is something that can only hold you back and remind you of things that once used to be. Concentrating on the past would only delay a person from what they are supposed to be doing in the present and what they are trying to achieve what they are striving for in the future.

Not A Regret Exactly...

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 19:30:43 -0500

I cannot believe my monologue actually got published. I was very embarrassed at first Knowing that everyone I knew had the option of knowing some of my deepest, most personal thoughts that I had ever thought of was terrifying, but then I remembered that I had a tumblr. I was so proud of myself for actually going out on a limb;while hoping I wouldn’t tragic fall to my death. It is not some of my best work in my opinion but I love that I was able to express how I really feel and it might be read by my peers. The topic was very conflicting to write about, especially since I may have offended a lot of people, but it was intentional. It was merely me expressing what I and many people feel, and I hope that at least one person will enjoy it and maybe pass it along.

Wishing for an unlikely return

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 20:52:24 -0500

Unspoken words and missed opportunities, regrets and sadness, things that cause my mind to circle and my heart to flip. The ones I have lost are very near to my heart. I shared so much with them though they were only with me for a short time. My heart was given away unintentionally to those who were willing to take it. One will hold my secrets forever and they other may simple forget when they go on with their life. I hope that after a while, a short while, the one who has forgotten receives the secrets in small doses. I hope they get faint glances of how great things used to be on the surface. I hope that their life is as great now as it was then. I hope that they will treasure what was given to them and never take advantage of what was unwillingly but rightfully given to them.

Wanting the past

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 03:03:06 -0500

In my sociology class, we recently studied the types of time perspectives people have, and they influence their lives. I scored very low in the past positive and present fatalistic categories, but I scored very high in the past negative, present hedonistic, and future categories. What this means is, at this moment in my life I think very negatively about my childhood and my upbringing and I would much rather focus on the now, and what I can do to better my future. But why do i crave so much of the recent past right now. It’s possible that I may just be craving for more of the repetition of the past to continue in the future. More things that shouldn’t have happened but did and were greatly beneficial to me. But those things were also very detrimental to someone else, unintentional, but nonetheless hurtful. If the past does continue to spill over into the present, I don’t think I will mind because I am not the type to cry over spilled milk.

Do What You Want

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 21:37:43 -0500

I say what is on my mind all the time, sometimes when it isn’t appropriate, but that is okay. I would rather express how I feel and release it into the universe than to hold it in and let it die inside with me. I can’t let small things get to me. I can’t keep hiding behind a mask of smiles and lollipops when there are plenty of good things surrounding me just waiting for me to take advantage of it. I may be very silly and stupid for wanting to be emotional and express myself all the time, but it lets me figure out who I am and what type of person I am evolving into each day. I am myself when I can say anything to you. I am most happiest when I can talk to you about how I completely and honestly feel about anything. I am more than alive when I talk to you. I am barely breathing when you smile at me. I can barely wait to fall asleep at night just so I can see you in my dreams. I am not afraid to say this, because this is who I am, and that is what makes me Me.

Anxiety Attacks Are Not Fun

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:20:21 -0500

Anxious, upset, and nervous are three words that were constantly defining me last year. Today was a scary reminder of that very dark time of mine. I walked into school as I always do, with my music blasting and my apple in hand, when all of a sudden I can’t seem to breathe. I start to panic out of no where. I quickly compose myself and just try to get to my locker as quickly as I can. I try to do my analysis to see if I can resolve this myself before going to see my trusty social worker. I first tell myself to breathe slowly and deeply, easier said then done, but not impossible. I then ask myself how am I feeling and why I feel this way. Then I realize what day it was. It was the day when so many things change. It is the last day of the first semester which means I will have new classes tomorrow. I will have to talk to new people and laugh jokes that aren’t funny. I won’t be able to wander the halls as I did last semester because I was given an unreasonable amount of study halls. I have to begin actually concentrating on my studies because school is almost over and this is the most important year for me. All these things were concerning me, and I knew they were concerning me, but I wasn’t aware that they were until i walked through the halls. The halls that, when empty, exude this feeling of endless space and time, but when full, releases an organized chaos of annoying bodies slowing walking to their next destination. When I return to those halls tomorrow I hope to experience emptiness and avoid flooding at all costs.

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Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:38:09 -0500

Every time I stay up past my intended time of sleep I always end up online shopping

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:36:07 -0500

Bad things happen when I am tired, especially to my bank account.

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Sun, 29 Jan 2012 07:07:48 -0500

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Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:12:09 -0500

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Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:11:55 -0500

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Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:11:05 -0500

Long Time No See

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:06:56 -0500

I realized I haven’t shared a story in quite awhile. I have no excuse, even though I had midterms, I mostly sat in front of the t.v. and contemplated about if going to the bathroom was worth sacrificing my comfy position on the couch. Anyway, I have recently endured one of the most awkward events of my life. It was a stupid thing for me to do, but I did it any way. I thought it was going to be something completely different. I learned a lot about something while and after this event occurred. I learned that I am not as good of a judge of character as I thought I was. And that emotions do truly make you blind. I still want to be enveloped by my emotions and be an emotional person because it makes me who I am but I need to take my sunglasses off once and a while and examine what the hell I’m doing from a few steps back.