Stories Of A Girl

It is unrealistic to think that I have any sort of superior capabilities. It would be awesome though, if I were able to at least remain normal for some substantial amount of time. It would be even more awesome if my normalcy did not depend on my dependence of other people. I consider myself to be quite an independent person, but it has come to my knowledge that I am becoming more and more trusting and reliable on others. That previous statement may be completely false in some peoples’ eyes, but it remains the truth. It is a very gradual change, and it took much time for even myself to notice. I hate admitting to myself that I need people. I feel if a person does not show immediate and constant need for me than I don’t need them. I need some sort of balance so there are benefits on both sides. There can not be any unecessary pieces in the relationship. I do not want to be using the person unessacarily and I don not want them to be using me. 

I lose the need of a relationship once I feel like I have acquired the necessary lessons or traits from that person. If I have a constant need for a relationship than that person either has more to contribute to the relationship or I actually want to talk to them on a daily basis and associate myself with them. I don’t have anyone that I  feel that way about and that fact is really sad. 

I am so incapable of having quality relationships with people, it is ridiculous. I used to be able to be me and feel like I was totally fine and dandy with people. All of a sudden, when a stupid yet significant being reenters into my life, I get stupid! I get irrational butterflies in my stomach when they are around. My coherent and sophisticated communication skills get thrown out the window. I act like a silly little girl. I hate that this happens to me because of a boy. Even if this boy may be super sweet and incredibly charming, he shouldn’t have this great of an effect on me. Granted, I may have overlooked these desirable characteristics when I was vying for an asshole who was preoccupied with himself, and once and a while his significant other, but I am well aware of them now. Gosh Darn! Every fucking time I think that I know what I am doing I just lose sense of direction. I need to find someone or something that will help me always stand my ground and make sure I am pointed in the right direction.

I cannot believe my monologue actually got published. I was very embarrassed at first Knowing that everyone I knew had the option of knowing some of my deepest, most personal thoughts that I had ever thought of was terrifying, but then I remembered that I had a tumblr. I was so proud of myself for actually going out on a limb;while hoping I wouldn’t tragic fall to my death. It is not some of my best work in my opinion but I love that I was able to express how I really feel and it might be read by my peers. The topic was very conflicting to write about, especially since I may have offended a lot of people, but it was intentional. It was merely me expressing what I and many people feel, and I hope that at least one person will enjoy it and maybe pass it along.

Unspoken words and missed opportunities, regrets and sadness, things that cause my mind to circle and my heart to flip. The ones I have lost are very near to my heart. I shared so much with them though they were only with me for a short time. My heart was given away unintentionally to those who were willing to take it. One will hold my secrets forever and they other may simple forget when they go on with their life. I hope that after a while, a short while, the one who has forgotten receives the secrets in small doses. I hope they get faint glances of how great things used to be on the surface. I hope that their life is as great now as it was then. I hope that they will treasure what was given to them and never take advantage of what was unwillingly but rightfully given to them.

In my sociology class, we recently studied the types of time perspectives people have, and they influence their lives. I scored very low in the past positive and present fatalistic categories, but I scored very high in the past negative, present hedonistic, and future categories. What this means is, at this moment in my life I think very negatively about my childhood and my upbringing and I would much rather focus on the now, and what I can do to better my future. But why do i crave so much of the recent past right now. It’s possible that I may just be craving for more of the repetition of the past to continue in the future. More things that shouldn’t have happened but did and were greatly beneficial to me. But those things were also very detrimental to someone else, unintentional, but nonetheless hurtful. If the past does continue to spill over into the present, I don’t think I will mind because I am not the type to cry over spilled milk.

I say what is on my mind all the time, sometimes when it isn’t appropriate, but that is okay. I would rather express how I feel and release it into the universe than to hold it in and let it die inside with me. I can’t let small things get to me. I can’t keep hiding behind a mask of smiles and lollipops when there are plenty of good things surrounding me just waiting for me to take advantage of it. I may be very silly and stupid for wanting to be emotional and express myself all the time, but it lets me figure out who I am and what type of person I am evolving into each day. I am myself when I can say anything to you. I am most happiest when I can talk to you about how I completely and honestly feel about anything. I am more than alive when I talk to you. I am barely breathing when you smile at me. I can barely wait to fall asleep at night just so I can see you in my dreams. I am not afraid to say this, because this is who I am, and that is what makes me Me.